My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
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Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.