If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
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A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
My sex drive has a dui
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner