Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
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I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them