Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
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It’s the weekend y’all
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.