ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
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when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.