can’t talk my ride’s here
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Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef