WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
You Might Also Like
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
This kinda thing happens to me often
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.