ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
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Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.