[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
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Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?