Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
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My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
I’ve had worse
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
We’re all getting idioter.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA