GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
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Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician