To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
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“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Digital security in Ancient Troy
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”