dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
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Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses