me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
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2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
This could’ve been an email.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”