If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
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When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Zack Greinke stories are the best
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.