There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
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I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Do not levitate over flowers
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
this makes me so uncomfortable
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
when someone compliments me
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.