[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
You Might Also Like
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Thanks to a fan for this one.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
no such thing as a dumb question
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Fluff me with a fork baby
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.