“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
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*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.