I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
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Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.