I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
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My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Me when my alarm goes off
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.