robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
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King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
[eulogy]
line?
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
I would move hell over six inches for you
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.