you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
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GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
I’m confused about plants
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline