Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
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Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
cause of death:
autopsy.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library