I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
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Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.