You Might Also Like
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”