SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
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Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.