Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
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In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
This 4th of July, please remember…
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …