I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
You Might Also Like
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.