I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
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When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.