dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
You Might Also Like
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.