One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
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Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.