Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
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It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*