[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
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repaired
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
I need to get some bricks…
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
I can’t stop watching this.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
If I ignore life will it go away?
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
This is funnier than it should be. 😂