Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
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People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White