Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
You Might Also Like
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you