Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
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Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.