It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
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I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy: