Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
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*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
the short answer to this question
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Cats (2019)
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…