I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
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Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
you will never know the true number of layers
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS