My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
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Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
This is painfully accurate 😅