*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
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My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.