**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
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Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Welcome to the stomach
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
You are what you delete.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.