[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
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Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
felt that
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.