Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
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Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!