Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
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Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
This kid is going places
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.