This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
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They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Them: Just act casual
Me:
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago