*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
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I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
he chose this
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw