me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
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Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
My five year plan is a meteorite
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.