MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
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I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Time heals everything 🙂
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Gemma Correll
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good