Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
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Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Customer is always right
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
BaD BoY!!
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.